Who Said Marriage Is Happily Ever After?

Who Said Marriage Is Happily Ever After?

Daily choices that can help your marriage

Ronald W. Mitchell

Each person comes with their own ideas about marriage.  As different as we all are, so too, are our ideas about marriage and romantic love.  Over the years story tellers and movie makers have attempted to depict this thing called marriage.  While they have done their best, most fail to capture the model of marriage God has for His followers.  No matter the artist or the effort, they are all like archers, who with the best effort, their aims fall far short to what the Master Creator of marriage intends this “most awesome” of human relationships to be.

“Place me like a seal over your heart, or like a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death, and its jealousy is as enduring as the grave. Love flashes like fire, the brightest kind of flame. Many waters cannot quench love; neither can rivers drown it. If a man tried to buy love with everything he owned, his offer would be utterly despised."[1]

To receive and give this kind of love is a treasure beyond compare.

THE KEY

A few years ago, during a moment of temporary insanity, I decided to run a marathon.  Not a marathoner and not even a runner, several people tried to persuade me to do something more attainable…like run around the block.  I didn’t listen.  Instead, I followed my training routine and had the unforgettable experience of running the New York marathon.  I have a medal to prove it and I am overly proud to it show to anyone. In the process I learned a lot about myself and life.  For example, one critical lesson is to distinguish between “WANT TO” and “CHOOSE TO.”

A year before running in New York I WANTED TO run a marathon in Florida. I did everything necessary; registered, made travel plans, and created a training schedule.  I didn’t run that race because I didn’t make the right choices to participate.  I did everything but train.  I wanted to but did not choose to.  The event came and went with me on the sidelines.  Maybe I should write a book about all of life’s “want to’s” and call it When Want To Is Not Enough.  How reassuring is it to a father or mother, after another episode of childish rebellion the well-intentioned teen says, “I really do want to follow the rules?”  As a parent would that work for you? 

I’ve listened to husbands, whose marriage is in the tank, declare, “I want to love my wife.”  What benefit is that spouse receiving from that want to when she hasn’t been affirmed or touched or honored in any way?  We can all agree, nothing changes until something changes.

My marathon training throughout the hot and humid summer of Alabama was not easy or pleasant. There were several days when I didn’t want to put my shoes on and endure what I was about to put myself through.  But I chose to.  Listen carefully, the attainment of a goal is not realized in a moment of inspiration or even in the exchange of marital vows, but in those day-to-day choices that move you closer to what you want most.  Want a loving, exciting, and fulfilling marriage—then realize that each day is a choice; each choice is a contribution to a strong and fulfilling relationship.

THE KEY TO UNLOCKING THE TREASURE IS THE KEY.

Imagine standing before a container, a treasure trove, of the most valuable things you can think of.  For a woman, that might be her self-esteem, family, affirming words, a dream cruise, diamonds, sapphires, whatever you can imagine is before you.  For a man, it might be the next adventure, a dream job, adventure, family and friends, an exotic car, the latest and greatest fishing rod and reel or a new golf set.  Now imagine not having to wish for the key that unlocks such satisfaction.  It’s in your hand.  It is in your power to open the treasure and enjoy it—guilt free!  Would you do it?  Of course you would; like in a heartbeat. Without hesitation, I’m inserting the key and throwing open the chest.

Why do so many good husbands and wives choose not to open the treasure that is their spouse?  Is it risky?  Sure is.  Is it safe?  It may be anything but safe.  However, far greater are the rewards for those who dare to scale the heights and plummet the depths of emotional, intellectual, and physical connectedness.  If I could call as witnesses all the husbands and wives I’ve talked to who are lonely and suffer from emotional deprivation and intellectual and physical disconnect, they all would declare loudly, yes, it’s worth it to connect on a level that is more like that “enduring love, a flaming love that many waters cannot quench” type love the scriptures describe.

RESPECT

Okay, let’s look at one important key for him and her. Husbands need respect. Does this mean mindless agreement and passionless dialogue?  No.  Nor does it confuse a wife’s giving honor to her husband with being the passive victim of an abusive bully masquerading as a husband.  “Wives respect your husbands.”[2]  Respect means to give honor to the position and authority God has ordained for the husband to have in the home.  Give this honor, not reluctantly or begrudgingly, but “as unto the Lord.”  All men want to be respected.  In the context of instructing wives to respect their husbands, both spouses are instructed to submit to one another.  And husbands are instructed to love in the way Jesus loves.  I can testify, that when I am focused on giving what I am called to give and not on getting what I want, my wife finds it a bit more motivating to give what she is called to give. 

AFFIRMATION

Wives need affirmation.  My wife and I enjoy taking walks together and catching up on various topics of conversation.  One morning last fall we were following our normal route when a car, driven by a woman who appeared to be in her 50’s, turned into a driveway just ahead of us. Before she honked the rather disappointing toot of the horn, out of the house came three elderly women, two with canes.  I said, “hello and good morning” as I continued to press on.  The lady closest to us smiled as she approached the door of the car.  Then it happened.  Without any mental rehearsal, my wife said, “You’re lookin’ good in red.” Wow!  That woman almost dropped her cane.  I think she could have walked without it at that moment. You should have seen her reaction.  She absolutely came to life.  Her red shaded lips spread across her face as she beamed with those affirming words.

Husbands, here’s a clue, listen to the ways your wife affirms her female friends, and you will get an idea about meaningful expressions of affirmation. Affirmation that will be treasured by her and release the treasure within her. Some days her need for affirmation will be stronger than her need for her next meal but one thing will remain constant, she will look to you as her source of affirmation.

CHOOSE TO

After almost 47 years of marriage, and far too many times of missing the mark, here are some practical suggestions for husbands and wives.

            For him:

·  Honor your word.  Do what you say you’re going to do.

·    Listen without interruption and without the need to “fix it or fix her.”  Confession, to this day I am still likely to foul this one up.  Constant awareness and restraint are necessary.

·    Practice non-sexual touch.  Cuddle, hold hands, kiss, hug – all without the expectation of what follows.  Many wives speak of the absence of physical touch without the requisite sexual encounter.

·  Help her.  Ask, “how can I help you today?”  “What do you need me to do?” Without having to be asked, take the kids for an hour(s), so she can breathe and have some alone time.

·   Tell her.  If you think something positive, say something positive.  Your wife cannot read your thoughts.

For her:

·    Acknowledge his accomplishments.  Yes, it’s generally true that men are motivated by positive recognition.  Additionally, not every effort will result in a desired outcome, therefore, your encouragement is not always about the outcome but about his effort in trying something.

·   Listen with the intent to understand his position.  Women are generally better verbal processors, so be patient as your husband’s thoughts will not spill out as quickly as your female friends.

·   Look for opportunities to support his decisions.  This DOES NOT MEAN you should not voice your thoughts or challenge his reasoning.  However, there is a point where disagreement gives way to action.  When that action does not morally, financially, spiritually or emotionally compromise you, see it as an opportunity to support your husband.

Marriage, like a marathon training, requires consistent and diligent choices. You may be reading this and thinking, there’s no way my marriage will be anything but what it already is.  That simply is not true.  To repeat an earlier principle, nothing changes until something changes. Don’t wait for your spouse to change. Start with any one of the suggestions listed and consistently apply it. Will it be hard?  You bet it will.  Will it be rewarding to explore and experience new levels of trust and intimacy in your marriage? You bet it will.

[1] Song of Soloman 8:6-7

[2] Ephesians 5:28-33