A Test of Fatherhood - Earning all A’s

By Ronald W. Mitchell

I’ll shamelessly admit it; I love Father’s Day.  I confess I like the extra attention and love I receive on that day.  One of the special treats of the day are the cards I get from my kids.  With my gang I never know exactly what to expect, which is part of the anticipation.

Several years ago, I got an all-time great card.  At the top it read, Top Ten Things You’ll Never Hear A Dad Say.  Of those 10 let me give you my top 5.

Number 5. Well, how ‘bout that?… I’m lost!  Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.

Number 4.  You know, Sweetheart, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned dates.  Won’t that be fun?

Number 3.  Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car—go crazy.

Number 2.  Whaddya wanna go and get a job for?  I make plenty of money for you to spend.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU’LL NEVER HEAR A DAD SAY:

Father’s Day?  Aahh—don’t worry about that—it’s no big deal.

So now that I’ve said I love Father’s Day you also need to know something else about me.  I love my kids.  No, I mean I really love my kids.  I didn’t always know how to love them in ways they understood but I made it a practice to learn the most effective ways of communicating my love for them.

I made mistakes and at times repeated unhealthy patterns of previous generations but determined to be the best dad I could be.  Any parent can do the same.  Let me suggest we strive to earn all A’s when it comes to parenting our children.

First A.  Applying the truth

Our children are constantly bombarded with conflicting messages from various sources.  Their sense of right and wrong is assaulted daily by the print and picture images and social media. Most parents are alarmed by the values depicted in movies and TV.  Think about it, brutality, greed, indiscriminate sex, and body obsession, are but a few of the virtues of today’s most notable celebrities.  More confusion is added as young minds watch the behavior acted out on the screen but fail to see the consequences of such actions.  What’s a parent to do?

“My son, observe the commandment of your father, And do not forsake the teaching of your mother; when you walk about, they will guide you; for the commandment is a lamp, and the teaching is light; and reproofs for discipline are the way of life” (Proverbs 6:20-23).  This timeless wisdom from the scriptures begins with the assumption that dad and mom have taken time to instruct their children.  In our jam-packed schedules there are some things that take priority, and this is one for the top of the list.  How our children respond to the external influences of our world is influenced by the truth we have intentionally deposited within them.  Kids are better able to withstand the external pressures to conform when they have something greater within.  Security, love, worth and character are powerful virtues that parents can nurture within their children.

Children must have the opportunity to not only hear truth (instruction), but also observe it in our lives as parents.  "Now this is the commandment, the statutes and the judgments which the Lord your God has commanded me to teach you, that you might do them in the land where you are going over to possess it, so that you and your son and your grandson might fear the Lord your God, to keep all His statutes and His commandments, which I command you, all the days of your life, and that your days may be prolonged” (Deuteronomy 6:1-2).  God knows the importance of a child seeing authentic faith expressed in real life by a mom or dad.

More than ever, today’s generation is confronted with a smorgasbord of religious options.  Kids want a spiritual experience that is vibrant and real.  As they observe our faith in daily interaction of life it will communicate what words alone cannot convey.  Truth is more permanently transferred from a parent’s life than his lips.

Question- What are my kids seeing in me?

If seeing is believing, can they believe what I’m telling them?  Is my faith expressed in the way I treat strangers?  What about my financial dealings?  Am I kind and courteous to the servers who attend to us at the restaurant… even when the food is slow in arriving?  I remember an occasion at one of our favorite Mexican restaurants. In full view of my kids, I failed the patience test miserably.  I was rude and was called on it not once, not twice, but three times, as expressed by my kids.  Each of my children seized the moment to express their disbelief over what they saw.  My sharp tone and unkind words made a clear impression on my three kids. Now I had to decide what to do.  Although I could think of a thousand reasons against it, mostly driven by my pride, I decided that before leaving I had to make it right.  I called the waitress over, acknowledged my rudeness and asked forgiveness.  She was very understanding and then explained that this was her first day on her first job.  Ouch!  Are my kids seeing consistent integrity between my private life and my public life? 

Am I earning an A for Application of truth?

The second A is Availability.  Have you ever had good news that you couldn’t wait to share with a friend?  The first thing you do is find the nearest phone and call the number.  You listen for the ring but hear… duh…duh…duh.  The canned operator comes on the line and says, “the number you are dialing is busy (oh, really), we will keep trying for a charge of…”  For a younger generation that has no clue about a “busy signal” it is like calling a friend with urgent news only for the call to go to voice mail. Is there anything more frustrating than having something to say and not being able to say it?

Our kids are dialing in and they need us to answer.  Setting aside my favorite game or a small price to pay for the emotional well being of my child.  Children who consistently get a busy signal often feel inferior and unwanted.

Believe it or not, I thoroughly enjoyed my kid’s teen years.  At times it was a wild ride.  Our home was always open for their friends and I made it a point to know as many as I could.  David (not his real name) was one of several guys that seemed to hold a lot of anger and struggling with personal and relational issues.  One evening as we had to opportunity to speak in private, I asked David if he had ever told his dad about his struggles.  “Are you for real,” David’s voice rising, “my dad never listens.”  I must admit the intensity of his resentment caught me off guard.

Later, as David’s reaction was still fresh in my mind, I reflected on my own communication with my kids. What was right about it, what was wrong about it, and what was missing?  Clearly I had a tendency to give an answer before it’s time.  Let me explain.  As parents we are full of advice and often overly zealous to share it.  God has some practical wisdom for us.   “He who gives an answer before he hears, it is folly and shame to him” (Proverbs 18:13).  I had to learn to listen more to understand and not be so quick to fix things. Once I got better with this listening skill, I knew if one of my kids was coming to just be heard or really open to advice.

Question- How available am I to my kids?

If it’s true that a child’s earliest impressions of God are those of his parents, what am I conveying about God’s availability?  

There are times when a child should be taught to honor a parent’s involvement in a project.  When there is a conflict and something cannot be set-aside, speak to your child in a loving and firm way.  Assure him you will come to him by a certain designated time.  Be certain to keep your word as you would for any other appointment.

Let’s also strive for an A in Affection.   One of the ways we express affection is through words of affirmation.  Many boys who are not affirmed by their dads grow up to become dads who repeat the behaviors shown them.  How tragic.  Why not begin a new direction?  Why not set the course now for future generations?

Learning to affirm will take some effort but it is well worth it.  Look for the qualities in your children that make them unique.  Tell them when you recognize some aspect of their character shining forth (i.e. determination, perseverance, sensitivity, compassion, enthusiasm).  Practice affirming your kids apart from performance.  Limiting appreciation to times of performance unintentionally sends the wrong message to a child.  Their true worth as a person is not determined by what they do but who they are.

Another way we express affection for our children is through touch.  It grieves me deeply to have to qualify here what I mean.  Because of the unspeakable evil committed against the innocent children of our day, I refer here to loving and non-sexual touch.

Having made that statement let me be clear- children need the loving touch of their parents.  I hug my boys (now 23 and 21) every time I see them.  Our hugs are long and energetic and I’m sure entertaining to on-lookers.  I love my sons.

I have a different hug for my daughter, now 21.  It’s a strong-armed yet gentle embrace.  Daughters need their dads to hug them regularly to help satisfy their need for security.  Researchers have stated that many young women who opt for immoral sexual relationships did so because “I could hardly remember a time when my father so much as touched me.”  

Last Father’s Day all my kids surprised me by driving home for the weekend.  Just thinking about it brings back such good feelings.  What they will do this year is anybody’s guess but one thing is certain, I love Father’s Day.